Spider-Man Reads Thirst Tweets Buzzfeed Celeb
by jenniboo311
Summary: "Hi, I'm your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man!" He salutes the camera with two fingers, sitting at a table in his signature mask, a simple dark green t-shirt, and jeans in front of a light blue set. "I'm here to read your thirst-fueled tweets and irreparably harm my wholesome image."


While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.

Some of these thirst tweets are my own and some came from random places on the internet, most notably a Buzzfeed article about the best Chris Pratt thirst tweets. I was in tears. The internet is a weird place.

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"Hi, I'm your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man!" He salutes the camera with two fingers, sitting at a table in his signature mask, a simple dark green t-shirt, and jeans in front of a light blue set. "I'm here to read your thirst-fueled tweets and irreparably harm my wholesome image."

The title card displays on screen punctuated by chipper music in the background, "Thirst Tweets with Spider-Man".

Spider-Man slouches in his chair, "I dunno guys. I've worked hard to give Spider-Man a wholesome reputation. I feel like this interview is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Let's face it, you only came here so you can take clips of me saying dirty things and flood the internet with it." He tips his head back to contemplate the ceiling and sighs, "Let's get this over with, I guess."

He looks down at the innocent looking jar filled with folded pieces of paper and narrows his eye lenses as though he can glare it out of existence. "They told me if I start at the top without mixing them up too much I can start off easy. At the risk of making an unintended innuendo, I think I need to ease into this."

He plucks the first paper off the pile and reluctantly unfolds it before reading it silently. He perks up. "Aww," he coos, "_Spider-Man is the purest thing in this world which is saying something because my dog exists._ That's one of the nicest things anybody has said to me, thank you! I might survive this after all." He carefully folds it back up and puts it on the table to the side.

He reaches for the next paper with more confidence, "_Spider-Man is so great and fun. There was a spider in my room when I got home. I did kill it but felt guiltier than normal._" Spider-Man breaks into loud laughter. "You monster," he jokes, "That was my brother you killed! How could you?!" He dramatically raises his hands into the air and implores the ceiling, "Larry, no!"

He snickers to himself as he adds the paper to his finished pile and chooses another from the jar. "_In seventy years my grandkids will be asking me how I found love so young and kept it alive all these years. Granted my future husband Spider-Man doesn't actually know I exist but hey, that's only a minor setback,_" he narrates, laughing by the time he reaches the end. "Well," he says in a flirty tone, looking at the camera and cocking his head to the side, "I know you exist now, Marie. S'up?" He inclines his head with a quick jerk.

The fabric around his mouth crinkles as he smiles in amusement and he selects a new paper. "_Literally my obsession. Spidey has taken his rightful place as my phone, desktop and gmail backgrounds._" He looks up at the camera excitedly, "Oh man, you have me on your phone background? My fame has peaked! I can finally die happy."

He quickly moves on to the next one, "_Spider-Man isn't just a snack he's the whole meal._" He laughs, "Well, thank you! I always try to aim high. Why be a snack when I could be a whole meal? This would be the part where I'd make a quip about filling you up but Spider-Man is too pure for that." He glances coyly at the camera and his eye lenses flare with a suggestive eyebrow waggle.

"_Spider-Man: I'm between eighteen and twenty-five, me: oh thank God._" He snorts loudly, "Don't worry, you are thirsting after a legal, grown adult. I do all kinds of adult things like, uh, paying bills and uh, waking up before noon. I'm great at adulting! The best." He gives a confident nod.

Spider-Man unfolds the next paper a bit more enthusiastically and reads aloud, "_Someone: says something. Me: yeah but have you seen Spider-Man's arms?_" He laughs and gives the camera an exaggerated flex, his lean muscles impressively shifting and bulging. "Thank you for noticing. Everyday is arm day when you're Spidey, that's all the web slinging and goon punching."

Spider-Man reads over the next paper to himself, making a confused noise at first before finishing and laughing loudly. "_Me,_" he chokes out between his laughter before trying again, "_Me: your mouth tastes like an old, wet, cardboard box. Him: nothing. Me: shrugs. Him: nothing. Me: continues making out with a Spider-Man cardboard cutout._" He dissolves into laughter again and says, "Can't say anybody I've ever kissed has claimed my mouth tastes like an old, wet, cardboard box. So there's that, I guess. Hang on," he looks at the camera curiously, "Are there actually cardboard cutouts of me around? If there are, I haven't seen them. That would be cool though."

He looks at the next strip of paper, "_I don't even know how but I want to suck on Spider-Man's arms._" He laughs, "Again with the arms! That's the real reason so many people ask me for hugs, isn't it? Thirsting for the arms." He shakes his head as his chuckles trail off. "Really," he pipes up after a contemplative pause, "it's the arms you want to suck on? I mean I guess that's not the weirdest-" He immediately shuts down that line of thought, "Nope, that's enough of that Spidey. You're a PG-13 hero. Moving on."

He coughs uncomfortably and grabs the next tweet. "_Spider-Man could slap me with a piece of cheese and I'd say bless you Spider-Man._" He regards the camera with a quirk of an eye lens. "Okay, slap you with a piece of cheese? That's no Gouda." He snorts loudly and slaps his knee in mirth. "Oh c'mon, I'm hilarious."

He tosses the paper into the used pile and grabs another, "_Spider-Man could walk up and punch me in the face for no reason and honestly I'd probably apologize to him._" He folds the paper up and twists it around idly, "Well, you don't have to worry about that one because I only punch bad guys and Clint." He tosses down the mangled piece of paper.

"_I want Spider-Man to detach my arms from my body and then uppercut me with my own detached arms._" He looks up into the camera, wide-eyed for several seconds, not saying a word. He gently lays down the paper and reaches for the next one, speechless.

"_I'd like to get a handle on his webshooter._" He breaks into laughter, "Yeah, solid effort. I'd give that double entendre a solid seven out of ten."

He shifts to get more comfortable and takes a big fortifying breath. "Halfway there, guys. Okay, next one. _Someone mentions Spider-Man, Me: caution, slippery when wet._" He giggles, balling up the paper. "Gosh, I don't know what to say to that. I'm flattered?"

He digs around for the next one and pulls one up from the bottom of the remaining pile "_I want to eat a rack of ribs off Spider-Man's chest._" He pauses to read the rest in his head incredulously before shaking his head in embarrassment and continuing in a higher pitch, "_Suck some ranch off them thighs, eat some cupcakes off them nipples just lawd!_" Despite his embarrassment, he laughs, and puts his head down on the table. He sits up straight after he composes himself and attempts to make a joke. "Are you sure you want to eat cupcakes off my nipples? What if I have hairy nipples? You don't know my nipple situation. That's risky." He balls up the paper and tosses it at the camera. "I don't, by the way," he says as an afterthought. "Have hairy nipples." He stills and stares off to the side in contemplation, "What even is my life, that I have to say that on the internet?" He shakes his head to rid himself of that line of thought.

"_Spider-Man is so lucky_," he reads from the next one before breaking into loud laughter and slapping the table. "Oh no, I don't want to say this, I get the feeling this one will follow me forever. But they can only get worse from here so I can't chicken out yet." He clears his throat and tries again, "_Spider-Man is so lucky. He gets to touch Spider-Man's penis whenever he wants._" His chest heaves as he struggles to hold in his laughter and eventually gives an exasperated sigh out his nose. "Boy, I can't wait to see the sound clip of me saying 'penis' flood the internet in the coming days. That's going to be fun," he says sarcastically.

Spider-Man's eye lenses flare in surprise at the next tweet and he immediately dissolves into hysterical laughter. He attempts to read the paper three times but laughs too hard to get it out. The video cuts to an indeterminate amount of time later and Spider-Man's laughter has calmed to a wheeze. "_Spider-Man could convert my vagina into a storage facility for his antique stopwatch collection if that's what he wanted to do with it,_" he finally manages to get out, straining not to laugh again. "Oh man," he says, tilting his head down to ensure the camera doesn't see his face as he reaches under the mask to wipe the tears from his eyes, a few stray giggles escaping him. "That's, uh, that's a very generous offer. I've often found myself wondering what to do with my antique stopwatch collection." He looks at the camera and deadpans, "Now I know." He makes a strained sound like he's desperately holding back laughter and makes a grab for the next paper.

"Huh," he muses, "I guess this is where they start getting a lot worse. If any of my young fans are still watching this please, please turn this video off now." He sighs in resignation and dutifully reads, "_I want Spider-Man to fuck me so hard my best friends kid's kids inherit his features._" He huffs a laugh through his nose almost unwillingly, "I mean, that's quite a gamble, isn't it? You don't know what my features look like. I could have a face like a boot."

He shuffles through the remaining paper to see how many are left and whines when he counts at least half a dozen more. "_I want Spider-Man to,_" he pauses to fortify himself and continues, "_dick me down so hard my ancestors have phantom pains._" He makes another strained sound while holding in his mirth. "I'm not sure anyone would survive a dicking down of that caliber, though. Death by dicking. But what a way to go!" A snort escapes and he frantically reaches for the next tweet.

"_I would let Spider-Man split me in half I'm just gonna say it._" Spider-Man shakes with silent laughter. "Wow, thanks. I'll, uh, keep that in mind, Jenna. Thank you."

Spider-Man barks a laugh when he opens the next tweet, "_Spider-Man definitely exudes big dick energy. I'm weak just thinking about it._" He clutches his stomach as he is overtaken with giggles. "Uh, well, I can neither confirm nor deny, but have thus far not received any complaints." He flicks the paper into the discard pile.

The next one he reads causes a dark red flush to creep down his neck past the edge of his mask to disappear into his t-shirt. "Ah, nope!" He quickly crumples it and lobs it clear across the room. "Not repeating that one."

He rubs the back of his neck uneasily. "Hoo boy. Alright, what's next? _Daddy use my face as a trampoline._" He forgets his embarrassment as he laughs delightedly. "Aw man, I got a daddy tweet! Usually Cap gets all those. I needle him about it constantly, he hates it. It's amazing." He grins at the camera with squinty eye lenses.

"The final tweet! I made it! Okay let's see." He speed reads the tweet and promptly shoves his chair back from the table to lean forward with his elbows on his knees, cradling his head in his hands. Several moments pass in silence before he fortifies himself to sit upright again. With a noisy screech he scoots his chair back to the table. He stares at the camera, unimpressed, and exhales noisily. With reluctance, he looks at the paper again and reads aloud, "_Me: but I don't have Twitter sir. Judge: but on February twentieth you tweeted 'Spider-Man needs to spread his seed on my back like Nutella._'" He fights with a reluctant snort before shaking his head disappointedly at the camera. "I don't think there's anything I can really say to that."

He sweeps the discarded paper and empty jar off the table with victory and a noisy clatter as the plastic jar bounces on the floor.

"Well, thanks for having me. That was...an experience. And thanks to Tony Stark for blackmailing me into doing this. You'll get yours, buddy."

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Comments:

**10_lanterns_and_a_dreamcatcher**

Y'all need jesus

**18Name27**

I think I laughed harder at Spidey laughing at that stopwatch tweet than I did laughing at the actual tweet

**Slyrocker**

I didn't realize it would be so shocking to hear Spidey say these words. I feel like I just watched someone murder a puppy.

**ReycoNn**

omg that last tweet killed him

**Isi1dur**

I would kill to know what that rejected tweet was

**Virginia Lightbulb**

Flirty Spidey! we have been blessed on this day

**Snappyturtle6921**

Anybody actually seen any carboard cutouts of Spidey around? Asking for a friend.

**joeblow**

I'm sorry, my brain stopped working right about the time Spidey insinuated he'd fill me up

**Bluecookiedough**

spidermans arms are TIGHT

**amybutterfield**

the arms are definitely not the part i'd wanna suck on, just putting that out there.

**Ail_e_gra**

THATS NO GOUDA

**lovelyjourneys**

Spidey looked so scared by that detached arm tweet hahaha same

**UpAllNightToGetBucky22**

spiderman dying of embarrassment is content i didnt realize i needed

**Hi**

"i have thus far not received any complaints" like who would tell fricken spiderman he has a small dick anyway

**Tellmeemoar**

i don't think i'll be able to look at nutella the same way anymore...

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

I want you to climb inside my asshole and wear me like a costume.


End file.
